I’m on a “Mama roll”. I have spent more time with her lately, mostly because of the nature of the schedule with my siblings. It is a season that they are busy with their kids and grandkids. I will have my season soon, too.
May 12th was a tough day. Some are. But as May 12th also stated, I will try again tomorrow. And I did. And I did again the day after that.
Today was better. I’m not sure Mama was better, but I was. I tried to look at her today with the eyes of Jesus. I saw her confusion and her fear, that sometimes acts out in anger and orneriness. I saw her nonchalant answers and empty eyes, that in truth, reveal the hollowness that comes with losing one’s grasp on current reality.
Sometimes when I know I am going to be with Mama for four or five days in a row, I find myself rushing time. I find myself checking off the hours, as if I am making X’s on a daily calendar.
No matter what my circumstances are, there are no excuses to rush time. We must not forget Thoreau’s famous quote “As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.’ I never want to kill time. I also do not want to simply fill time. It is irresponsible. I want to be held culpable for such lack of accountability.
Shifting into that maxim has produced a slow motion kind of mindset. I find myself literally slowing my actions and reactions. I have retained a visual of slow motion in my thoughts and words.
My sister and I have talked about God “bending time”, which of course, He is capable of doing – He is God. I believe if I desire it, God can bend my time with Mama.
Today felt more peaceful. Peaceful does not mean lack of difficulty, it just means more peaceful.
If I can hold her hand on this treacherously rocky path, we will both be better for it.