Empathy culture. That is what the pastor spoke about today. The current series is titled “How Not to be a Jerkface.” Okay then.
The pastor spoke of the difference (huge) between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is defined as feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.
Empathy, on the other hand, is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Also, the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.
I got into a conversation after church with a woman I had never met. She has two grade school-aged children, but prior to those births, had suffered three miscarriages. She told me that the worst thing people said to her was: “Everything happens for a reason.” And “I know how you must feel.” Hollow words when you do not believe either one of those things.
According to Psychology Today, empathy is known to increase positive social behaviors. While it seems that American culture may be more focused on becoming more individualistic rather than empathic, research has uncovered the existence of “mirror neurons”, which react to emotions expressed by others and then reproduce them. Fascinating.
Sympathy may externally sound like: “Wow, I’m so sorry.” Internally: “Whew! Better you than me.”
Empathy may externally sound like: “My heart is breaking with you.” Internally: Crushing and remembered pain.
The scripture reference today was found in Matthew, chapter eight. A man with leprosy knelt before Jesus and said: “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Verse three states that Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cured. Jesus did a lot of miracles. The key to this one is that he ‘reached out his hand and touched the man.’ Lepers were like someone with ebola. No one wanted to be near them, much less touch them. Jesus knew he needed healing. But Jesus also knew he needed a literal human connection.
Sometimes we have to get into the ditches with people. Get our hands dirty. Physically help someone.
So, let’s all stop being jerkfaces. It may seem that sympathy is getting a bad rap here. That is not the case. When we see the misfortune of others, it is natural to sympathize; to feel sorry for, to send a note to say tell them you are praying. Nothing wrong with that.
But empathy, friends, goes to a whole new level. Empathy reaches out and and holds. Empathy re-breaks your heart. Empathy weeps so much with another person that your tears stream together.
Here’s the kicker. It must be authentic. You cannot be fake. People know. Oh, do they know.
Side note: A good thing (I almost said “one” good thing. My bad. There are MANY good things) about being 60 is that you have acquired life experience. That can be extremely valuable when it comes to empathy.
A friend of mine once described pain as ‘standing there with your guts hanging out’. Yep. A sympathetic person will say: “Gee, that’s too bad. Need a tissue?” An empathic person will go pick up your guts and sew them back in.
Be a sewist.